A solicited guest column by Jeff Begley:
The Outdated, Outmoded, Old... Oh, never mind!
Revised Constitutional Preamble
We the people of the cities and academic centers of the United States, in order to form a more perfect labor union, establish social justice, insure non-traditional domestic situations, provide for the common defense fund for the legally challenged, promote the welfare system, and secure the blessings of liberalism to ourselves (we’ll let our posterity pay for it), do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.
The Bill of Wrongs
Amendment 1 – Freedom of Religion, Press, Expression.
Congress shall make laws disrespecting established religions, and prohibiting the free exercise thereof in public areas; and abridging the freedom of speech by calling certain speech “hate speech”, and of the press through the hilariously named “fairness doctrine”; but not the right of the people peaceably to assemble for these assemblies will simply be handled through media outlets and labeled violent, racist extremists in order to dismiss them rather than address them.
Amendment 2 – Right to Bear Arms.
A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall be infringed. We will also hedge on the definition of the word militia, ignore the original intent of the founders, and make certain that once liberal hegemony is established it will be impossible to disrupt through force of arms.
Amendment 3 – Quartering of Soldiers.
Soldiers shall, in time of peace-keeping, be figuratively drawn and quartered for any mistakes made in front of a journalist. We shall also attempt to quarter soldier pay, benefits, and at least put a dent in any honor once felt in serving the nation by claiming people only join as a last resort.
Amendment 4 – Search and Seizure.
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable or even reasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause as defined by the current administration, supported by oath or affirmation of a federal judge appointed by a Democratic president, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized. Under no circumstances shall the possibility of the person being an illegal, er, undocumented… um – insufficiently-naturalized citizen be broached.
Amendment 5 – Trial and Punishment, Compensation for Takings.
Amendment 5 shall be phased out to make room for the implementation of an adult day-school for the reeducation of those with a diminished capacity to follow laws. These poor souls simply need dignity and love. Kumbaya.
Amendment 6 – Right to Speedy Trial, Confrontation of Witnesses.
In all criminal prosecutions, if we must, the accused shall enjoy the right to a supportive and closed trial so as not to impinge upon their sense of dignity, by an racially diverse jury with as few privileged, bigoted white people on it as possible, of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed unless we want to move it for political posturing. It should be noted that, as in the case of the 5th Amendment, trials are to be avoided as much as possible due to self-esteem issues they appear to cause in the accused.
Amendment 7 – Trial by Media in Civil Cases.
In cases where political opponents disagree, no civil discourse shall be initiated. Instead, agreeable media outlets shall be engaged in order to impugn the character of said opponents in order to dismiss them as some sort of crackpot, whichever is considered the lowliest type at that particular time. If the term “racist” can be used without fear of reprisal, it shall.
Amendment 8 – Cruel and Unusual Punishment.
Being that punishment is considered mean by those being punished and the term unusual is vague, we shall pretend to rehabilitate those poor, misguided souls who asserted their wills over the wills of others. Only if a crime personally affects us shall we even consider punishment as an option because, hey, it’s us and not you that are suffering at that point.
Amendment 9 – Construction of Constitution.
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall be construed as the absolute limits of rights retained by the people. If the people need more rights, we will determine what they are and grant them. Maybe. Ok, not really.
Amendment 10 – Powers of the States and People.
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people… LOL! Okay, we were really just yanking your chain here. Gotcha! Seriously, the central government shall retain all the power. States are for hillbillies clinging to their bibles and guns.